Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
