So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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