Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
