the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
