Got a toothbrush?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
