i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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