Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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