I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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