hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I did not marry a roomba.
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