I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
