I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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