At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
