Tell her she can't have a vagina
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
