I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
