Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
