I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
