the condom got lost in my hair
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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