marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
