I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
