i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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