Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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