I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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