You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
