I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
