Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
