What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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