the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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