I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My vagina is very pro this idea
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
