matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
