So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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