Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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