i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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