yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
