i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i've created a new STD.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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