I think i sorta joined a cult last night
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
