i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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