My liver just broke up with me...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
