i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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