Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
