Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
