Your face is a jimmy john
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
