You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hippo gnu deer
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
