dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
