TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
