She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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