Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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