It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
