rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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