I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
