They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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