we made out on top of his cat.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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